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does one person get use to lying? Sigh.. what's wrong with me?.. I'm literally killing myself to go through something that any normal person would walk away from. I don't understand sometimes.. do I really love him that much? or do I hate being lied to like this? I hate how he just took advantage of me.. of everything. SO what if he gave me shopping sprees or help me through things with money.. I wish it was anything rather than him being married.. and the worst part is.. he doesn't even know when it'll be over. When he gets all annoyed.. and said that he doesn't even know what I'm still doing around him.. since I make it clear that it gets so hard to bear.. so why am I still around? Maybe Josh is right.. it's my personality.. the stupid stubborn self I am.. but that will only end up hurting myself right?..

I really hate it when he doesn't answer his phone.. why doesn't he listen?

omg.. it's actually affecting me big time.. so what if school started.. when it comes to night time.. I can't concentrate.. so what happens when things explode after chinese new year?.. Because I don't think she'll sign.. and we'll just end up having a major fight.. and I'm already scared that he'll disappoint me on valentine's day.. I don't want a repeat of new years.. where he disappears for the whole day.. for all I know.. he's spending the day with her.. UGH... what is happening to me?.. since when I have turned so pathetic.. I thought starting classes would distract me.. but it's not working.. if anything.. it's becoming a annoyance because I couldn't stop thinking about this stupid situation.. I can't even type right. GOD.. when will you release me from this torment?.. will it really be after chinese new years? or will we suffer more for even thinking it will happen..

nevertheless... as the seconds tick by.. the pain sinks in deeper.. it's almost like I can't breathe.. it's seriously.. hell on earth..

when he disappears.. all the bad feelings return.. deep inside of me.. I know he has to run both ways.. and maybe he could be lying.. I'll not know.. at least not now.. He didn't call the whole day.. and it's a sunday.. I'm starting to think that our sunday dates don't exist anymore.. maybe he did all that yesterday night so he could spend some time with her today.. or tonight. ^sigh.. I don't know anymore.. my mind is too scrambled.. I know I need to go out tonight.. for a walk or something.. =/

I feel so complicated.. like walking around in a maze.. I don't know if going that way will make it better or worst.. yesterday night.. he totally lost it.. as I lost it.. broke my watch.. our phones.. tearing up money.. it was so insane.. I thought about giving us a break.. but i'm also worried if that will cause more of a distance.. or he'll end up going to chinatown.. usually going there at night isn't a good thing.. he'll want to do drugs.. ^sigh.. but if I do force us to keep this up..it's like we're pulling our strings to the end where it'll break at any second.. ^sigh.. all the things he said yesterday night.. hurts.. stings.. ^sigh.. this year.. will it be the ending for us?..

life is slowly passing through like this.. I wonder what's she thinking.. how could she stand a life where her husband is constantly outside.. and if she's smart.. she'll know his heart doesn't belong to her anymore.. so why continue holding on.. making 3 people miserable.. with her kind of standards.. she could find anyone else better.. I admit.. pace university is better than whatever and where ever I am now.. she could find a decent a job and have a happily ever after life.. her mr. perfect is still outside.. but me.. a GED graduate.. even if Danny doesn't know.. we're more on the same level.. he drop out of college.. we'll always have more of a understanding than with her. I wish I knew what she was thinking... maybe she still wants to hold on to whatever hope she has.. but how is that right? shouldn't she take advantage of the fact that she's still young and find her happiness? Why would she want to live like this everyday? ^sigh..

my heart is no where near happy like this.. I keep praying.. and praying.. for everything to be over.. so I could be as happy as I was before.. those first 5 months with Danny was like a fairy tale.. who ever knew.. I wish for her to let us go.. for her to bliss us.. just like we'll bliss her..