I don't know what to believe in any more.. it seems the more I try to hold and wait for everything to get better.. it keeps getting worst. He left for china for 6 days.. and haven't called back. I probably understood why he didn't call  back.. he was worried that I might be unstable and do something stupid.. it'll be hard to bare because he's so far away.
I finally understood why he wouldn't let me in his store.. he always told me that he cared about my feelings too much and wanted to protect me from feeling the worst I could feel. I went in on Sunday and experience my breath being taken away as pain shattered through every inch of my body. It was so painful that the air around me was hard to get inside my lungs. There was no amount of tears that could tell you how bad it made me feel. I have to see that thing running around.. and hearing it call my danny.. It made me hate it 10x more.. I wish so bad that it could disappear. Joey said he saw the pain on my face.. how unbearable it was getting. So why can't he get rid of it?.. if he cared about me so much. why isn't he calling me from china to see if I was dead or not? I'm sure he would call about that thing.. he just had to know about it. There's no way he didn't contact them. I hate being on the outside. What's the point of  being his girlfriend if I don't know anything?
I'm not even living as he is gone.. I feel dead inside.. as i go through every day and night.. I lost everything important to me..

you know what.. i just know that danny was going to lie about calling the apartment today.. he just wants to stall time.. I wish I didn't realize all this bs. How could he possibly think that being selfish is right? especially in a case like this? I'm trying to fix it.. and he's trying to prolong it. Eventually.. we'll have to break up. Just see when. I don't see how he thinks that he should be still caring about them if he chose to be with me. I can't accept anyone else in my life besides people that belongs to me. period. if anything.. I'll leave New york.. and start over else where.

what can I do when it's all I think about? Why is my life such a.. pain?.. do I not deserve happiness?.. even for a little while?.. must I end with danny on such sour notes?.. then again.. all endings don't have happiness.. what innocence.. For what I believed in.. what did I get out of it?.. except more pain and heartbreak?.. Can I walk away without looking back? Temporary the answer is no.. the question is.. how long can I stand the pain before it explodes in my face?.. God.. all I want is someone who belongs to me.. who can love me for who I am.. who can give me the support.. encouragement.. love and care that been absence for most of my life.. is that wrong?.. For me.. Meeting danny was unexpectingly the most bliss I had experience in a long time.. I was on pure happiness.. I knew it was too good to be true. Why?.. why can't I walk away feeling happy for once in my life?.. or am I hopeless in the name of happiness?.. I want to built back my life now.. and it's falling apart faster then I can built it.. what to do?..

She doesn't want to get a divorce.. it was him all along.. I knew it.. what kind of girl waits for him for 4 years.. gets married for 2.. have a child.. and then can get a divorce so easily?.. He thinks he can reassure me like that.. in a way.. I shattered inside yesterday night.. walking aimlessly.. around.. with a the cool night air.. I don't believe that this feeling will ever go away.. all his lies.. every single one of them.. sucks the air out of me.. slowly.. I feel life slipping away from my tired body.. Does he care?.. does he care that this relationship is slowly and painfully killing me?.. if he does.. why doesn't he act on it?..